Throwing In The Towel

The scale is going on the wrong direction, after seeing an all time low one morning last week of 214, I am back up to 218. The annoys me, the makes me sad, mad, disappointed in myself. I am doing everything that I am suppose to do.  I am drinking water, I am eating well.  Yes, I have indulged a bit, but I feel as though I am retaining water.  I feel like throwing in the towel.  Why bother? Those two hours I spend at the gym most days?  I could be doing something else......Blogging?  Is this just a waste of my time? I sit here with the computer, thinking of something witty, funny, insightful, enlightening to write, so that I can get comments.  But am I really helping anyone?  I am helping myself? I don't know.

Do you ever get down on yourself?  Beat yourself up? Look at yourself and note every flaw that you see on your body?  The fat, the stretch marks, the scars.  Do you ever wish you could change yourself.  I used to play this game with myself, if I had three wishing what would they be?  The top one was always I would get ride of these damn stretch marks, I hate them so much, they are like air, they are everywhere, breasts, back , arms, stomach, I have never even had a child, yet these damn things are like a curse.  Sometimes I wonder how someone of  the opposite sex can find me attractive, when my body looks like a road map.  I remember I made a comment about them to a guy I was dating and he said,"What are stretch marks?"  I showed him and he said he never noticed.  I laughed.  He replied," No honestly, I never noticed".   This made me feel better, maybe I was over analyzing.  I tear myself apart and I ask myself, why am I going to all this trouble, is it really worth it?  I felt like that today, but the mind is a powerful thing.  I tell my students that all the time. I feel like a fraud sometimes.  Have you ever read Confessions of a Shopaholic? The main character becomes a financial guru, yet is up to her ears in debt.  That is what I feel like.  All day I motivate students, I tell them that they can be anything, if they put their mind to it.  I tell them that the glass is always half full.  I tell them that they are the only ones that can dictate their future.  If they believe that they will not pass a test, it may be true, if they believe that they can, the sky is the limit.  If they fail a test , I tell them to pick themselves up, the past is the past.  You cannot change what you have have done.  All you can do is put your best foot forward, so that everyday from now on you give 150000%  to make yourself the best you that you can be.  So why can I not do the same for me?

For once I took my own advice, I really tried to abandon the negative thoughts that were plaguing me.  It is not as easy as it sounds, when you look around the gym and the only women lifting weights look like they should be on the cover of Shape or Self.  The are svelte and sexy, muscles in all the right places and no fat in all the right places.  I took another look in the mirror and thought how far I have come.  Last year, I could not run for more than a minute on the treadmill, I could not do a push up with my feet on the exercise ball. F that, i could not do a push up at all.  I did not have arm definition.  I have come a long way.  Negative thoughts can destroy us.  I know that there are times when I start thinking negatively and I cannot stop, I get so down on myself that I make myself feel ill.  I really need to stop and look at all the things that I have accomplished. OK, maybe I am not married, but I have seen more of the world than most people.  I have a family that loves me and friends that are trustworthy and reliable.  I think that I have a warm personality, I have been told that I can make anyone feel welcome, I also try and look at the light side of any situation, I can motivate others and make them feel that they can do whatever they want, I try to live life to the fullest.

  I am going to just keep pushing and not let the damn scale get me down.

I know that this has been a weird post and I am not even sure if it makes any sense.  Thanks again for being there with me as I do this and try and make myself the best I can be, cause remember; if i don't do it no one will do it for me.