How Low Can You Go

Throwing In The Towel

>> Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The scale is going on the wrong direction, after seeing an all time low one morning last week of 214, I am back up to 218. The annoys me, the makes me sad, mad, disappointed in myself. I am doing everything that I am suppose to do.  I am drinking water, I am eating well.  Yes, I have indulged a bit, but I feel as though I am retaining water.  I feel like throwing in the towel.  Why bother? Those two hours I spend at the gym most days?  I could be doing something else......Blogging?  Is this just a waste of my time? I sit here with the computer, thinking of something witty, funny, insightful, enlightening to write, so that I can get comments.  But am I really helping anyone?  I am helping myself? I don't know.

Do you ever get down on yourself?  Beat yourself up? Look at yourself and note every flaw that you see on your body?  The fat, the stretch marks, the scars.  Do you ever wish you could change yourself.  I used to play this game with myself, if I had three wishing what would they be?  The top one was always I would get ride of these damn stretch marks, I hate them so much, they are like air, they are everywhere, breasts, back , arms, stomach, I have never even had a child, yet these damn things are like a curse.  Sometimes I wonder how someone of  the opposite sex can find me attractive, when my body looks like a road map.  I remember I made a comment about them to a guy I was dating and he said,"What are stretch marks?"  I showed him and he said he never noticed.  I laughed.  He replied," No honestly, I never noticed".   This made me feel better, maybe I was over analyzing.  I tear myself apart and I ask myself, why am I going to all this trouble, is it really worth it?  I felt like that today, but the mind is a powerful thing.  I tell my students that all the time. I feel like a fraud sometimes.  Have you ever read Confessions of a Shopaholic? The main character becomes a financial guru, yet is up to her ears in debt.  That is what I feel like.  All day I motivate students, I tell them that they can be anything, if they put their mind to it.  I tell them that the glass is always half full.  I tell them that they are the only ones that can dictate their future.  If they believe that they will not pass a test, it may be true, if they believe that they can, the sky is the limit.  If they fail a test , I tell them to pick themselves up, the past is the past.  You cannot change what you have have done.  All you can do is put your best foot forward, so that everyday from now on you give 150000%  to make yourself the best you that you can be.  So why can I not do the same for me?

For once I took my own advice, I really tried to abandon the negative thoughts that were plaguing me.  It is not as easy as it sounds, when you look around the gym and the only women lifting weights look like they should be on the cover of Shape or Self.  The are svelte and sexy, muscles in all the right places and no fat in all the right places.  I took another look in the mirror and thought how far I have come.  Last year, I could not run for more than a minute on the treadmill, I could not do a push up with my feet on the exercise ball. F that, i could not do a push up at all.  I did not have arm definition.  I have come a long way.  Negative thoughts can destroy us.  I know that there are times when I start thinking negatively and I cannot stop, I get so down on myself that I make myself feel ill.  I really need to stop and look at all the things that I have accomplished. OK, maybe I am not married, but I have seen more of the world than most people.  I have a family that loves me and friends that are trustworthy and reliable.  I think that I have a warm personality, I have been told that I can make anyone feel welcome, I also try and look at the light side of any situation, I can motivate others and make them feel that they can do whatever they want, I try to live life to the fullest.

  I am going to just keep pushing and not let the damn scale get me down.

I know that this has been a weird post and I am not even sure if it makes any sense.  Thanks again for being there with me as I do this and try and make myself the best I can be, cause remember; if i don't do it no one will do it for me.


Trina May 12, 2010 at 10:06 PM  

I just stumbled across you blog. I'm watching although i may be noone, I'm someone. Im someone who feels your pain, who understands, who is THERE with you.

remember, your doing this for YOU!! and your worth it always, comment or no comment be damned. the hell with bieng witty. Be you. enjoy you. Love you. and you WILL suceed.

I will be watching!

Dee Dee May 12, 2010 at 10:20 PM  

Stay positive. You have accomplished so much. Your blog inspires me witty post or one line of quick information. Keep it up!

God's Favorite Shoes! May 12, 2010 at 10:30 PM  

Girl, I know what you are going through. The difference between you and me is that you are doing what you are supposed to do atleast.

I, on the other hand, have made an executive decision today that I am an emotional eater. If something is going wrong I just say screw it!

I drove my azz straight to Popeyes and got a wing dinner and I know that I have to go to Weight Watcher meetings. IT is hard to stay focused but atleast you can blog aboutit and get it out.

I lost a few pounds and liked how I looked but it's so hard to maintain. We both have got to get it together. And please, don't you ever introduce a stretch mark to another date.

let him find them on his own! I have a belly but my man rubs that bad boy and I am not tripping. I only trip when i can't fit my clothes!

FrugalMom May 12, 2010 at 10:55 PM  

You are doing this for you! Just think about how good you feel after your time at the gym, when you are on your way home and you realize you just worked your butt off (literally and figuratively).

This is one of the reasons why I have decided to only do weigh-ins every two weeks, as I think all the fluctuating would be pulling me down.

I have this window that I pass every day on the way to my son's school. Every time all I see is flaws, flaws, flaws...too big butt, too big belly etc....I think I need to start walking a different route. My point is that we all do it, no matter the size, the color, the height etc.

Keep at it, you are doing great. Just look at how far you have come.

The Fit & Frugal Challenge

Lindsay May 13, 2010 at 12:24 AM  

Stay positive you have come so far!!! Hang in there girl :)

M May 13, 2010 at 1:09 AM  

So true! If you don't do it for yourself, no one else will. We can be so hard on ourselves. Don't be discouraged. Stick with it, and you'll get there.

Tammy May 13, 2010 at 1:12 AM  

How appropriate that I come find your vomit post after I wrote my vomit post today! Rock on! lol

Get it all out'll find that you're no different than the rest of us. Yes, we all know every single flaw we have, and yes, we nitpick them and they become larger than life and assume the whole rest of the world is staring at them, too. If it makes you feel any body looks like a roadmap too. Perfect made me laugh out loud, lol. That's sad, I know...laughing about such a serious subject, but I'm just sick like that. Or maybe it's because I feel better after vomiting all over my blog. And I didn't know you were a teacher!! How cool is that?? You're one of the heroes in life!! Inspiring young minds and cultivating potential...good for you, girl. That's something to be proud of. :)

And why haven't you emailed me yet with your address so I can send your souvenirs to you???? My email is listed on my sidebar! :)

PhluffyPrincess May 13, 2010 at 2:29 AM  

Thank you for this post. I've been going through some "negative thoughts" myself....and I really enjoyed this. Yes you do help me. I feel connected to certain bloggers and comforted knowing we are all in this fight together! I really needed the end part of this post...talking about turning around your thoughts and being proud and happy of all that I've accomplished. The funny thing is as down as I feel about myself right now, I was ALL READY to leave you an encouraging and uplifting comment. You are so right, sometimes we need to do it for ourselves. Yay, and Haneefa, we CAN do it!

Ro May 13, 2010 at 9:30 AM  

We all go through this....I’ve been there 100 times at least. Just keep pushing through. Your actually doing great by just getting that out and being HONEST.

We are our own worst critics. We can do this for real.
The picture..the thoughts that we have in our mind we can make them happen. Be strong....and sometimes letting it out helps.

Now get your ASS back on track!
:-) I'm right there with you

LeeLee May 13, 2010 at 12:06 PM  

Haneefa, you know you're not alone! We are our own worse critics ans I do the same thing, I ask my Husband how is he attracted to me with my road map & extra flab. He tells me I'm beautiful and I laugh it off but, to him I am a goddess. It's time that we start treating ourselves like goddesses. Shit, if we don't who will, right? All I can say is F' that scale and as long as you are eating clean, drinking your water & working out. You are doing all the right things to become healthier. You did mention you workout for 2 hrs a day are you sure you're eating enough on a daily bases? Let me know, take care and keep your head up!

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